An Open Letter to Shaving

Dear Shaving:

I hate you. You're a jerk. You are like one of those friends that everyone deals with that's "just kind of a douche," but people let you get away with it because, "that's just who you are." Then there is that friend that you go just a bit too with (and they are a bit sensitive anyway, which is probably why you go too far with them) and they announce to the rest of your friends that they are done with you so that they know to keep the two of you apart. I am that friend, and I am done with you.

Seriously you are already the most time consuming part of my getting ready routine. The most annoying when you are not attended to when you need to be. It is like you start pouting in the corner and progressively get louder and louder with each passing moment... on my face/head! Wiry hair escaping only for you to draw it back in to attack me. To make me bleed, to mar my face!

Today you took it too far. I get out a brand new, very shave friendly razor for you. How do you repay me? You cut me. On the ear. In two spots. From one cut. Oh how I bled. For 3 hours. Gushing. I applied pressure while I got dressed and packed up with one hand, all the way to work, as I was getting ready for my client meeting, and as I struggled to get a band-aid on so I would not bleed all over my client. I went through two band-aids during that client meeting. 2!!! Even though everyone knows how heinous you are, one still sounds like an idiot when they say, "I cut myself shaving," in response to, "What happened to your ear?!?"

From now on, Shaving, we are like coworkers that don't like each other, but work on all of the same projects. Clearly we have to work together. People who see me from 100 feet know that we have a highly involved working relationship. For better or for worse, you are my work wife. I will be cordial to you. I will smile in the hallway. But we are not friends (that's why you got the business greeting in this letter)! We communicate when at all possible through email (no IM or calls! Do not even think of commenting on my Facebook page), and you do not get invited to the after work happy hour (I need that time to vent about you)! I just wanted you to know, so we can avoid situations that could get awkward for both of us and those around us.

Sincerely (because I am sincere and you get no "Best Regards"),
Jarett LaTour

Update: This post reminds me of a joke: "I cut my ear shaving my legs." :) Seriously though, I have to shave my whole head so it happens.

The Breakup: Part 2

I have had some time now to reflect on my first breakup (and kind of do it again), so I thought it was about time that I wrote the second part of this blog and list some of the things that I learned from the first go around:

• A RELATIONSHIP IS BETWEEN 2 PEOPLE & FOR THE MOST PART SHOULD STAY THAT WAY! Involving your friends, family, coworkers, and others too much just makes this complicated and causes trouble. It also makes it hard if you want to make decisions that are "unpopular" but are right for you (in the singular and plural sense). Plus for the most part they only get one side of the story.
• The more serious you get, the more work the relationship takes. You would think it would get easier the more in love you are, but it is the exact opposite. Well maybe not the exact opposite, but feelings do make things more complicated in good and bad ways.
  
• I am continually shocked my humanity's capacity to put their hand back on a hot stove. Unless someone does something completely horrible to you to the level where you hate them, you will probably always love that significant other and it is easy to go back to them. People say it takes 10 good things to make up for one bad, but I think it is the opposite in relationships once you have gotten to a certain point.
  
• Ground rules should be placed and followed once you get to a serious area (a region if you will) of a relationship. You both have needs that need to be met, and the structure needs to be there in order to make sure that happens.
• It is surprisingly hard for me to compromise and be flexible in a relationship. I have always felt that in the right relationship you don't have to compromise or at least it wouldn't feel like you were. Don't know where I stand on that, but I am more of an only child than I expected.
• I now know why people in relationships withdraw a bit from their friends. Alone time is key and generally goes more smoothly.
• This I learned from the very wise Mrs. Duh, but it is easy to see why a break up is hard for someone who is broken up with. It is harder to see why it is hard for the person that initiated the break up. The hard thing for them is that they have all of the doubts and what ifs. "Did I make the right decision? Could I have done something differently to make it work?" That and the guilt are what kill.
• Relationships are actually very enjoyable. I always enjoyed being single, but now I much rather be in a relationship (I guess the other thing that I learned was that I am old).
• At this point, I definitely agree with "It is better to have loved and lost..." I don't regret a single second of it.

Update: I actually wrote this awhile ago, but never got around to posting it. I added in a couple of updates in here, but even after some time it still rings true.

The Breakup: Part 1

So as most of you know, I recently ended my first relationship. I will speak more about that later, but I thought for the time being I would keep it a bit lighter.

Before I experienced one, I thought one of the most interesting aspect of a breakup was the music that one chose to listen to in order to get over it. I always imagined I would listen to a lot of Fiona Apple. Not so much. Okay there is one particular Fiona line that I think about, but that's between us.

I thought with this post I would share some of the songs I have been listening to and their more poignant lyrics, but first the music I have stopped listening to:

I try to avoid...

• Most Katy Perry songs, particularly Waking Up in Vegas ;), but not I Kissed a Girl strangely enough
• Anything from the All American Rejects' new album
• Most Pink songs, but Please Don't Leave Me makes me want to ralph.
  
• 1,2,3,4 by The Plain White T's. Thank God I only liked that song for a week and stopped listening to it awhile ago. Memories though :(
  
• Boom, Boom, Pow by the Black Eyed Peas.
• FloRida Right Round, never really liked this one or thought that the popular version featured Katy Perry. It's Kesha, but there is a Katy Perry mashup
  
• Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop & Can't Let Go by Landon Pigg
  
• Coldplay's Shiver, this one is a tragic loss, but I will get back to it when I feel ready to give "that" again
  
• A lot of MGMT but I have begun to work through this
• Most No Doubt songs, but I suffer through my favorites in order to shake it off.

I revel in (plus their lyrics to cuts yourself to ;) )...

• This Circle by Paramore

"This circle never ends

And it's time you
Just face it, don't pretend
That it's over."

• Emergency by Paramore (I'm sensing a theme & perhaps a Fiona replacement)

"Cause I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive."

• End it on This by No Doubt (technically I should have lost this in the divorce)

"Washed up to the shore
Given one last chance
To try some more
But I'm tired, I'm freezing
Let's stop and call it history."

• The Scientist by Coldplay

"Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start."

• Panic Switch by Silversun Pickups

"Mmm, I'll try
To hold on tight tonight
Pink Slip
Inviting me inside
Wanna burn skin
And brand what once was mine
But the red views
Keep ripping the divide
If I go everywhere you want me to go
How do I know you'll still follow."

• Battersea by Hooverphonic

"Battersea how it is
It's over, forget
Memories full of chocolate
I've got to get over it, forget."

• Hard to Explain by The Strokes
  

"I say the right thing
But act the wrong way
I like it right here
But I cannot stay."

• The Hollow by A Perfect Circle

"Cause it's time to bring the fire down
Throttle all this indiscretion
Long enough to edify
and permanently fill this hollow.

No I do not sit around at night crying and thinking of easy ways to end it all (I could never be that dramatic). Those who know me know that I have listened to most of these songs anyway. Okay, there are plenty of other more upbeat songs I've been listening to, but these are the most topical (I give them a 10!). Plus if you wallow in the pain of others, and get out your emotions in the music, what you have to deal with seems like nothing in comparison... and these are much more funny. Wow this may have been too personal.

These Are a Few of My Favourite Shows

I had a conversation this weekend, and happened to have noticed myself right before said conversation, that I had not written a blog since January. Sorry guys. I am going to try to do something at least once a week. I have "blogging" as a recurring Task in Outlook & I always do what Outlook tells me... I hope it never turns sinister (at least more so).

Anyway, I thought I would discuss my thoughts on some the current crop of TV shows. I watch a lot of trash (mostly reality) TV shows. Whether you like them, or like them because you hate them, they are a great escape and excuse to yell at the flat screen.

I am going to start with the shows that I have major beef with.

The Biggest Loser
At first I enjoyed that they were playing the game in such a fair manner and looking out for who needed the house more, health wise. However at this point in the game, I am going to need some cutthroat competitive spirit. You are all skinny(ish) now, and therefore should slowly be transforming into self-involved douches that want to prey on the weak.

Gossip Girl
Oh Gossip Girl, you know I love your Cruel Intentions style qualities, but I am about to break up with you. Attention Upper East Siders: What WB series, that thus should consider itself privileged that we would even tune in, is angering its fans because it will not have 3 new episodes in a row? GG, better watch out, or else its ever dragging 2nd season might be it's last.
XOXO Manpretty Calamity~

America's Next Top Model
I am so bored with you. Even the girl covered in scars made me yawn. I guess next season you are only going to have girls 5'7" and under. I believe that that will be Cycle 13 and I only have 3 words for you: JUMPED THE SHARK!

For the Love of RayJ & Bret Michael's Bus O Hos
Even I can't bring myself to watch these. I guess we need feeder shows for new contestants & challenges on I Love Money.

Now on to everything else.

I Love Money 2
Yes! Finally a show that makes no bones about its money grubbing, fame whore contestants. Becky Buckwild and Saphyrie need their own show after this (oh I am so writing a letter now). However, their hookups (with Frank the Entertainer and It respectively) have been highly questionable.

Dancing with the Stars
AKA Next Stop For So You Think You Can Dancers (NSFSYTYCDrs). I watch it, but I think I watch for the dancers more than the "celebrities"... well and of course the next crazy, sexually inappropriate comment from Bruno. Seriously I think Bruno's name is a bit off too. When I think of the name Bruno I am thinking pit bull or rottweiler. If he were a dog he would one of those tiny Chinese bald dogs.

Tough Love
Oh how I love this show. Let's find every kind of girl psychosis that ruins relationships and scare men away (Golddigger, loner, skank, clueless, drunk, loser lover, etc.), brutally tell them what is wrong with them on national television, & put all of that crazy under one trainwreck of a roof. I keep thinking that they vote people off every week, but seriously someone just loses it every week and has to go home. Literally this last week after Airen (yes pronounced like the skinhead nation) could not stop being a skank and having panic attacks when they tried to call her out on it, they recommended that she needed serious therapy and they could not help her. Kind of sad, especially since I was always waiting for her and host Steve Ward to make out.

Real World/Road Rules The Duel2
Yes, we have gotten to MTV. Seriously these people need work. Go on to some trash VH1 love show so you can go on I Love Money since they have much easier challenges. You know I will still watch though because these people are seriously insane and know what we all want. The Challenges are just an excuse for them to let loose so the producers will bring them back... yet again.

The Hills
Oh my baby! So the show is clearly "reenacted", but the production and story quality make you not care. This season is by far the best, even better than Laguna Season 2. Basically the show goes like this: Major confrontation where they pay off Stephanie to put people in the most incredibly awkward situations that thus implode. Once the mushroom cloud has settled, MTV pays all of the key players to have one on one confrontations with the people that have wronged them during the main event and then follow up confrontations based on that confrontation. This builds to the climax confrontation that ends in tears/sets up the next episode's disaster event. Heidi's storyline is particularly hilarious this season as basically everyone that she comes across tells her that Spencer is the planet's biggest douche and that she should leave him/asks why she is with him. Heidi's response is always to nod with a facial expression as close to pensive as she can get. Seriously guys, I say this every season, but you have to watch the After Show online. Canadians get together and make fun of them and then invite a key cast member from that episode to discuss what they have just seen. It is worth watching the show just to be ready for the After Show.

Facebook is the TMZ of Social Networks

As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I joined Facebook and I really wasn't too keen on the whole "scene". I liked the fact that my MySpace page was unique as opposed to the sterile Facebook standard page.

My tune changed a bit. Facebook has a huge advantage: the gossip factor. Seriously Facebook is like a stalkers dream. Everyday I login to see what is the latest drama amongst the group of my cyber friends. What are people up to? Who's been talking schmack? What cryptic message do i need to follow up on? What dirty details from the weekend are being shared?

Then there are the moments when you login and you see the holy grail of symbols on your homepage: the relationship status heart. No matter what, it is going to be good. Did someone finally get locked down and/or forced to change their status? Did someone break up (scandalous)? Is someone in an open relationship (even more scandalous)? I also enjoy the "It's complicated" status, which should really be everyone's status. I also love everyone's comments in response to a status change. Talk about shock and awe.

Seriously, it has really gotten to the point that just about any time anyone asks how anyone knows about anything the answer is Facebook. And why didn't you know? Either you're not on Facebook (in which case we will start a group to force you to join, Lindsey), or you didn't have time to check it. How did you know about that party? Facebook. How did you know they broke up? Facebook. How did you win the interactive Christmas card kissing contest? Facebook. Are they really together? No, their Facebook pages have not been updated yet (true sign of commitment). Based on the conversation string on Facebook, I think this is what really happened. Facebook.

It is a bit crazy, but if I am going to read about the details of people's life on the internet, and of course then judge them, it might as well be about people I actually know, right?

Update: I wrote this post at the end of December 2008 and needed to repost because of some formatting issues, so if you are feeling some deja vu there is a reason. I think that this blog is a funny little piece about the current power of social networks. Today was actually a banner day with 4 relationship status updates on my homepage (one I actually witness the demise of this weekend), however I think it is valuable to note that Facebook, and social networks in general, are powerful deseminators of information. Yes, some of it is personal and gossipy, but I find so much more then that as well. I have really reconnected with many of my high school classmates because of Facebook. I'm not talking about that, "Hey, what are you up to?" superficial post. I am mean actually have gone to hang out with them... more than once. Many of the social events that I have gone to lately, both personally and professionally, were a result of Facebook. I think that you get my point. Social networks can be what you want them to be, and at different times. It seems as though the Internet is starting to reach its potential, just in time for the bar to be set higher.

I Couldn't Make This Up If I Tried

I am not quite sure if I should be telling this story, but it is one of the funniest things that I have heard in awhile so I am going to do it anyway.

My mom had a neighbor that is fairly peculiar. She has lived in her house for just about as long as my mom which is a good 25 years. She is one of the sweetest, most caring women that I know, but she also seems a little off at times. I don't know what it is, but she seems almost too nice, and like she really needs a companion (if you know what I mean). She mows her lawn in a dress or in her fatigues from her stint in the army. She knows everyone in the neighborhood's business, but I think it is because she is all up in it (ninja style). And she has always had this bizarre relationship with her animals over the years (again in need of companionship).

As it was Christmas, me and my mom had seen a lot of her lately. You know, exchanging presents, shoveling snow, talking about the blackout, her asking why my mom had not put up her Christmas tree in a timely manner. The normal neighbor things...except for the Christmas tree stuff. After Christmas, while my mom was getting the snow off of her car, our neighbor popped up right next to my mom (ninja style), scaring my mom half to death as she generally does. My mom does not do well with fright and I think had had enough neighbor interaction for a while, so she says, "God! You scared me half to death! What do you want?!?" Our neighbor responded,"I'm sorry. Everyone says I sneak up on them (because she does, because she is all up in their business). I just wanted to tell you that Rose (her latest dog) died." Mom said that she was sorry for her loss and wished her well.

As my mom is a good woman, she felt bad about snapping at our neighbor in a time of distress and decided to get her some roses for losing Rose. She went to our neighbors house to drop off the flowers where she was thanked... and then pulled in to give her last respects to Rose. My mom was confused as it had been 3-4 days since Rose had died. Had she already been cremated and put in a creepy urn? Was she buried in the backyard? None of these would make for an interesting story.

No, as my mom came into the kitchen, Rose was in a plastic crate apparently waiting for her burial... in the spring when the ground thawed out!!! Oh it gets worse. Rose, having been dead for half a week, was now filled with death fluid and was double to triple her normal size!!!! Our neighbor explained that her friends were coming over to "drain" Rose because her vet predicted she was about to explode!!!!! As she is explaining this she is patting the bloated Rose consolingly. Our neighbor then went to touch my mother to let her know it was okay to say goodbye. At this point my mother drops the roses on the floor and screams as she runs from the house, ripe with the smell of 3 day old dead dog, right past the friends that were coming to drain Rose!!!!!!! My mom explained that our neighbor was lucky that the screen door was open otherwise there would have been a Sharon shaped hole in it.

Later our neighbor came over to talk to my mom. She said that she was sorry, and knew that it was "a little gross". She just wanted my mom to be able to say goodbye. Apparently Rose had now been drained and was buried in the snow until the ground was soft enough for her to be buried.

Some points to make about this: Granted the dog was out of the house, but that is still gross, and possibly illegal (at least I would think/hope). Also, our neighbor does not own the house; she rents. I'm not sure you should be burying a dog on rented land even if you have lived there for 25 years. Also, why are you still renting after 25 years? God love the woman, and I know that he does, but she is a bit crazy.