State of the Union: Lyrics Style

Those of you who frequent the blog know that I love music, and even more so, I love reflecting on the poignant lyrics. I was inspired by a great trip to the gym, where the ipod's random mix came up with some great songs that seem to reflect my mood as of late. I got a great workout out of it and you get a great new blog post:

• Never Win by Fischerspooner

If I was not me
I would hate me too
Just like you do
I don't need to need you
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to say

It's all made worse by a simple scheme
You're slipping away from me
Can't decide sometimes if it's worth the point
The point is the struggle, insecurity

Hopefully, you make no mistake
If you learned from what you've got to take
Good or bad, it's all going to add up in the end, but
You can never win

• Gold Guns Girls by Metric
  

I remember when we were gambling to win
Everybody else said better luck next time
I don't wanna bend like the bad girls bend
I just wanna be your friend, is it ever gonna be enough?

• Passenger by Deftones

Roll the windows down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees what tonight?
Roll these misty windows down
To catch my breath again
And then go, and go, and go just drive me
Home and back again
Here I lay just like always
Don't let me go
Take me to the edge

• Clark Gable by The Postal Service
  

I want so badly to believe that
"There is truth, that love is real"
And I want Life in every word
To the extent that it's absurd

I know you're wise beyond your years
But do you ever get the feel
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself
To help you get by?

• Rockstar by N.E.R.D.

Something on your chest
Better get it off
There'll be no one left when we set it off
We ain't gonna take it no more
Since

It's almost over now
Almost over now

You don't succeed cause you hesitate
You think we're fly
But we levitate
Just be yourself
Don't ask us why
Cause if don't we'll make you fly

• Send the Pain Below by Chevelle

I liked having hurt
So send the pain below where I need it
You used to beg me to take care of things
And smile at the thought of me failing

But long before, having hurt
I'd send the pain below
I'd send the pain below

Much like suffocating...

• When Did Your Heart Go Missing by Rooney

I meant every word I said
I never was lyin' when we talked in bed
I'm retracin' every step in my head
What did I miss back then? I was so misled, oh

Hope you enjoyed these inspiring nuggets. As I was compiling these I noticed 1) it seems like most songs really do center around love themes (let's mix it up "artists") 2) some of the lyrics of the songs that I listen to are a little disturbing when you actually pay more attention (not these), and 3) It takes a really long time to create these lyric posts, but it's worth every second.

Love, success, and happiness~

See I'm Not Shallow. I'm Über Deep Yo

So far this year has been fairly interesting. One of the biggest outlets that I have had has been music. I have always been really interested in music and for the most part have pretty diverse taste (particularly for a Black man ;) ). Many of my friends are the same way (word up Amanda & how should I put this?... others).

Lately I have had a bit more of a specific taste. A lot of the songs are not new. I think that it is mostly inspired by groups like Metric and Stars. A bit more melodic, sometimes slower, some might say at times a bit emo, but not necessarily. A common theme would be some powerful, thought provoking lyrics and a dynamic sound. In the interest of expanding your musical horizons I wanted to list a few of the songs that I have been listening to in 2010, and some of the lyrics that I have resonated (as I sometimes do):

• London Halflife by Metric

Oh watch out, you're only better off with half your life
Otherwise wasted
House of cards, you fall hard

• Midnight Coward by Stars
  

Sweetness, sweetness never suits me, when I get up to take you home
Maybe it's love, love at first slightly drunk
Now I'm walking with the sun in my mouth

• The Reeling by Passion Pit

We dug these holes we crawled into, now they're my home
Now here I cannot feel the wind, can't feel the rain oh no
And I believe in gentle harmony
Well how I loathe all this obscenity
Is this the way my life has got to be?
Have I a single opportunity?

• You Didn't Fucking Mean It by Electric Valentine

If you loved me
Half as much as you said you did
Why'd you leave me?
Break my heart then come back again
If you loved me,
Turn around and just let me go
From the first time
Hurt more than you could ever know

• Wanderlust by Björk

Lust for comfort
Suffocates the soul
Relentless restlessness
Liberates me (sets me free)

I feel at home
Whenever the unknown surrounds me
I receive its embrace
Aboard my floating house

• Everybody's Changing by Keane

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

Here are some other songs I have enjoyed lately, but are less poignant/your emo hearts and this blog are about to explode from lyric overload:

Elevator Love Letter by Stars
Soft Shock by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Heads Will Roll by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
White Gold by Metric
Gold Guns Girls by Metric
Cheryl Tweedy by Lily Allen
Take it Off by Ke$ha
Ima Be by Black Eyed Peas
California Soul by Marlena Shaw

Okay we're done. That was a lot of work. I going to have a piece of cake as a reward. Ciao!

Love is a Verb

I have gone through a lot recently... in a lot of different areas of my life. Strangely enough I think that it all is for the best. I think that of all of the changes, the one that has impacted me the most was my relationship. Somehow I think that things like that also impact the other areas of your life. It went on (and off) for much longer than it should have, although I have no regrets. With that all done I thought I would have this final written catharsis before I move on electronically.

To start, let's get the details of my relationship out of the way. There were good times, there were bad times, and there were downright disturbing times. Both of us were at fault in one way or another for times in each category. It's for the best that it's over. The timing of everything was unfortunate, but sometimes that is how life is. If you have to hide that you are in a relationship or when your relationship reminds you of a bad episode of Six Feet Under or Carrie & Big, you are in trouble. Speaking of Carrie & Big, they are the perfect example of how two people (& millions who watch them) can delude themselves into thinking that their jacked up relationship is just their complicated journey towards true love. It's just a bad relationship that you should end before it becomes a complicated journey towards couples counseling followed by divorce. Ok I let the bitter slip a bit.

Anyway one thing that I have learned (thanks Tough Love Couples) is that you need to remember that love is a verb. It is something that you have to do; have to work at. That is true in relationships and with yourself. Once you lose sight of your own journey of self improvement, everything else in your life suffers.

The aftermath has been a bit rough too. A lot all at once. It was fine at first and then got a bit ugly. Right before we ended it, I was at a delusional point where I started imagining (and perhaps a bit of planning) our future life together. Whatever, make fun of me, but I only share this to illustrate the point that we (at least I) were/was at a place that is hard to paddle back from once you abruptly end everything . Since we weren't right for each other, that was the easy part. The hard part was separating your life from someone you consider a friend. Physical separation is easy. The internet will kill you, particularly because I am a jealous stalker... of everyone. I initially joined MySpace to see what shit my friends were talking about me (a "Lurker" one of my coworkers called me). I would be jealous of someone that was going to a party with 10 kegs when I only have 9. Seeing that someone was still living without me, even with no fun being had, gets to me. Yes I know this is a bit irrational and borderline narcissistic. That has been taken care of though. Luckily when you feel like you need to remove e-contact from someone, but don't want to be "rude", the spirits in the sky resolve the issue in short order :)

Ok, we are done. I feel catharsis (to the point of needing to ralph). No more talk about that. No more blogs and in fact I am trying to not speak "that name" any longer. I have bigger, more interesting, and probably more tragic things to deal with. It's a loss for both of us, but I think in the end everyone will win. Time to stalk that.

The Breakup: Part 2

I have had some time now to reflect on my first breakup (and kind of do it again), so I thought it was about time that I wrote the second part of this blog and list some of the things that I learned from the first go around:

• A RELATIONSHIP IS BETWEEN 2 PEOPLE & FOR THE MOST PART SHOULD STAY THAT WAY! Involving your friends, family, coworkers, and others too much just makes this complicated and causes trouble. It also makes it hard if you want to make decisions that are "unpopular" but are right for you (in the singular and plural sense). Plus for the most part they only get one side of the story.
• The more serious you get, the more work the relationship takes. You would think it would get easier the more in love you are, but it is the exact opposite. Well maybe not the exact opposite, but feelings do make things more complicated in good and bad ways.
  
• I am continually shocked my humanity's capacity to put their hand back on a hot stove. Unless someone does something completely horrible to you to the level where you hate them, you will probably always love that significant other and it is easy to go back to them. People say it takes 10 good things to make up for one bad, but I think it is the opposite in relationships once you have gotten to a certain point.
  
• Ground rules should be placed and followed once you get to a serious area (a region if you will) of a relationship. You both have needs that need to be met, and the structure needs to be there in order to make sure that happens.
• It is surprisingly hard for me to compromise and be flexible in a relationship. I have always felt that in the right relationship you don't have to compromise or at least it wouldn't feel like you were. Don't know where I stand on that, but I am more of an only child than I expected.
• I now know why people in relationships withdraw a bit from their friends. Alone time is key and generally goes more smoothly.
• This I learned from the very wise Mrs. Duh, but it is easy to see why a break up is hard for someone who is broken up with. It is harder to see why it is hard for the person that initiated the break up. The hard thing for them is that they have all of the doubts and what ifs. "Did I make the right decision? Could I have done something differently to make it work?" That and the guilt are what kill.
• Relationships are actually very enjoyable. I always enjoyed being single, but now I much rather be in a relationship (I guess the other thing that I learned was that I am old).
• At this point, I definitely agree with "It is better to have loved and lost..." I don't regret a single second of it.

Update: I actually wrote this awhile ago, but never got around to posting it. I added in a couple of updates in here, but even after some time it still rings true.

The Breakup: Part 1

So as most of you know, I recently ended my first relationship. I will speak more about that later, but I thought for the time being I would keep it a bit lighter.

Before I experienced one, I thought one of the most interesting aspect of a breakup was the music that one chose to listen to in order to get over it. I always imagined I would listen to a lot of Fiona Apple. Not so much. Okay there is one particular Fiona line that I think about, but that's between us.

I thought with this post I would share some of the songs I have been listening to and their more poignant lyrics, but first the music I have stopped listening to:

I try to avoid...

• Most Katy Perry songs, particularly Waking Up in Vegas ;), but not I Kissed a Girl strangely enough
• Anything from the All American Rejects' new album
• Most Pink songs, but Please Don't Leave Me makes me want to ralph.
  
• 1,2,3,4 by The Plain White T's. Thank God I only liked that song for a week and stopped listening to it awhile ago. Memories though :(
  
• Boom, Boom, Pow by the Black Eyed Peas.
• FloRida Right Round, never really liked this one or thought that the popular version featured Katy Perry. It's Kesha, but there is a Katy Perry mashup
  
• Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop & Can't Let Go by Landon Pigg
  
• Coldplay's Shiver, this one is a tragic loss, but I will get back to it when I feel ready to give "that" again
  
• A lot of MGMT but I have begun to work through this
• Most No Doubt songs, but I suffer through my favorites in order to shake it off.

I revel in (plus their lyrics to cuts yourself to ;) )...

• This Circle by Paramore

"This circle never ends

And it's time you
Just face it, don't pretend
That it's over."

• Emergency by Paramore (I'm sensing a theme & perhaps a Fiona replacement)

"Cause I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive."

• End it on This by No Doubt (technically I should have lost this in the divorce)

"Washed up to the shore
Given one last chance
To try some more
But I'm tired, I'm freezing
Let's stop and call it history."

• The Scientist by Coldplay

"Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start."

• Panic Switch by Silversun Pickups

"Mmm, I'll try
To hold on tight tonight
Pink Slip
Inviting me inside
Wanna burn skin
And brand what once was mine
But the red views
Keep ripping the divide
If I go everywhere you want me to go
How do I know you'll still follow."

• Battersea by Hooverphonic

"Battersea how it is
It's over, forget
Memories full of chocolate
I've got to get over it, forget."

• Hard to Explain by The Strokes
  

"I say the right thing
But act the wrong way
I like it right here
But I cannot stay."

• The Hollow by A Perfect Circle

"Cause it's time to bring the fire down
Throttle all this indiscretion
Long enough to edify
and permanently fill this hollow.

No I do not sit around at night crying and thinking of easy ways to end it all (I could never be that dramatic). Those who know me know that I have listened to most of these songs anyway. Okay, there are plenty of other more upbeat songs I've been listening to, but these are the most topical (I give them a 10!). Plus if you wallow in the pain of others, and get out your emotions in the music, what you have to deal with seems like nothing in comparison... and these are much more funny. Wow this may have been too personal.

Update... and Making My Mascara Run

Just to start this off, if any of you saw my sucky test game that I posted for awhile for a work thing I was doing, I apologize.

Moving on. I haven't written in awhile. Partially because I have been busy and partially because I don't have anything to say. I went to a wedding in Boston, which was fantastic. I will post some pics when they come. I really loved the ceremony as it was my first in the Jewish tradition. It was great, so was the Harvard Club, and so was Boston. I won't post the party details on my blog, but you can ask me if you like ;) . I did spend much more at H&M than I planned, but as Lindsey said, "How often are you in a city with an H&M?" The real question is when are they going to get an online store, or better yet, one in Utah.

When I got back, I got sick and locked myself away. Me and my bed are great friends now, and I still need to deep clean it. This past weekend I knew of two more weddings, and am going to another this weekend. I am sensing a theme.

It has got me thinking a lot about planning for the future (surprise). I am in advertising (let me mention that again), and lately I have been painfully aware that I check the 25-34 box. Friday my coworkers pointed this out as I was in the prime suicide demographic :). Luckily I'm Black and that moves me out of the demo as we are apparently full of ourselves... and would rather kill someone else (I'm so just kidding, but I couldn't resist).

I am in no rush to get married or anything like that, but it does have me thinking about goals and the direction of my life (oh God let's get the razor blades and Kleenex ready). Eventually I hope that does include marriage (during the 35-44 box timeline), but there are more immediate things. Let's get the old ones out of the way: House, gym, couches, car, job success, relationship... I'm always chasing the physical and emotional big ticket items which we all know.

I went to a Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Utah 30 year anniversary luncheon today, and it made me think about some other things. As I looked around seeing the bishop and my childhood priest, the mayor, local "celebs", and me and my coworkers at a sponsors table, I realized that one way or another I have found myself on the path if an existence that is (or should be) so much more than myself. I have always thought I had so much potential, and I do. At some point that will be wasted if my goals concern only myself. I should be doing some sort of volunteering. I would love to do some community service and be on the board of some organization(s). I also want to have some actual hobbies. I really don't have any true consistent interests other than trashy television. I know they are there, but I need to actually commit some time.

In short, today I realized that I have been a bit two dimensional lately and I want to be more well rounded. The shocker was that I didn't even know I had been neglecting my third dimension. It always seems like I have more time when I have too much to do, because I am much more scheduled. I think it's time I get off my ass... and for someone other than myself... and it will benefit me... and I need to create another label for this emo self-reflective crap. God that blog developed out of nowhere.

Oh Lord, Here Comes Crazy.

Okay so I may talk to the television a bit... Okay I'll be honest. I scream at the TV. But how can I help it? People on TV are crazy/bitchy/stupid/ridiculous/worthy of a word of concern. Plus, if I weren't always alone maybe I would simmer down, and if I didn't at least I would be talking to someone else. Right? Okay, maybe I have just a touch of the crazy... and I need to get out more.

Someone's Got Issues

So I have a few issues. I guess we all do. However two of mine are currently plaguing me. First, I think that I might have a fear of commitment... to the wrong person. I stipulate that I think that I am ready for a relationship. I'm pretty sure. I have always been afraid of being alone because I thought that I would never get to a place where commitment is what I wanted, and if I did, it would be too late, i.e. I would get to that place once I was so old and gross no one would actually want me, which is why I would be in "that place". I am mostly kidding about that last sentence. Now I think that the real issue is that I do not want to be committed to someone, just to be committed to someone. I'm not afraid of commitment per se, definitely at this point, but i am very afraid of committing to the wrong person and then being stuck, or even worse stuck, then unstuck at 49.

Second issue, I think I might have a slight shopping addiction. Not typical shopping addiction like malls and stuff, although I do like buying clothes. I did notice that most of my personal email is from retail outlets. However, I like to buy life stuff, like cell phones, eye glasses, groceries, furniture, kitchenware, vacations, cars, and real estate. That stuff could get someone in trouble. Am I seeking adulthood? Am I trying to nest? Do I just like the biggest ticket items possible? I think I might be watching too much VH1 The Fabulous Life of...

"You're a Functioning Alcoholic"

Last night was fickin' awesome. Lindz, Nate, and I decided to go blow off some steam and watched the All-Star game at Lumpy's. I care nothing about baseball, but I would like to congratulate all of the beers that I drank and the shot that I took. You guys are the really winners and in much less innings. Anyway, the 3 of us laughed so hard. Our conversation was so RAW!

The reason that we needed to go out was that life has been a bit frustrating. Don't get me wrong, things for the most part are great, but I think that we are all starting to feel the weight of adulthood. I am having many more conversations about bills, careers, relationships (aka my want to settle into one), and the most adult topic of all - real estate.

I guess for me I have been a little bit off and out of balance since I felt my previous agency. Not because I missed it or because it grounded me. I do miss the people and it was a great learning experience, but I think in many ways it put me in a rut that I needed to get out of. At first it was great as I had a lot of fun; mixed things up; caused some trouble (not really). Then I got back to work and have been focusing on that, which has been great. However, I have realized that this past few months I have neglected some areas of my life. I need a new gym membership, I need to go to the dentist (and probably the doctor), and I need new cable and internet service. All are goals for Q3.

Above that, I have found other frustrations within my life that I want to address; namely my living situation. I love my roommates and all, but of course they can be frustrating. Plus I end up feeling like the dad of the house even though I'm the youngest. I am really at the point where I want to buy a place and have more control over my environment. I need serenity outside of work as my professional life can be stressful. Today at work in fact was crazy as the printer wasn't working (for the second day in a row and when I needed to print a lot of stuff), my computer was moving at the speed of Special Olympic hurdler and was just being weird, and we were trying to launch a campaign for tomorrow and nothing was going right with the creative. At some point you just say fuck it.

Honestly though as I start to take care of the issues that are frustrating me, it just gets worse. Trying to get your financial "house" in order, in order to get a house, makes you want to strangle someone. I consolidated my student loans recently and my automatic payments got all jacked ( I ask you where does a voided check that was UPS'd with the other documents that allowed this transaction to go through go?). When I tried to just log in and make a payment while I worked out that situation, apparently my SSN, DOB, and Zip do not match in their database. I need a drink.

Then I get indecisive with the small things. I have been debating gyms, dentists, and digital cable solutions for months. I am clearly a whack job.

Anyway, moral of the story is that I need to take a chillaxative, and just take care of business. More importantly, some times you need to lose a bit of focus, aka blow off a little steam, in order to regain focus... well and so you don't go off on someone.