An Open Letter to Shaving

Dear Shaving:

I hate you. You're a jerk. You are like one of those friends that everyone deals with that's "just kind of a douche," but people let you get away with it because, "that's just who you are." Then there is that friend that you go just a bit too with (and they are a bit sensitive anyway, which is probably why you go too far with them) and they announce to the rest of your friends that they are done with you so that they know to keep the two of you apart. I am that friend, and I am done with you.

Seriously you are already the most time consuming part of my getting ready routine. The most annoying when you are not attended to when you need to be. It is like you start pouting in the corner and progressively get louder and louder with each passing moment... on my face/head! Wiry hair escaping only for you to draw it back in to attack me. To make me bleed, to mar my face!

Today you took it too far. I get out a brand new, very shave friendly razor for you. How do you repay me? You cut me. On the ear. In two spots. From one cut. Oh how I bled. For 3 hours. Gushing. I applied pressure while I got dressed and packed up with one hand, all the way to work, as I was getting ready for my client meeting, and as I struggled to get a band-aid on so I would not bleed all over my client. I went through two band-aids during that client meeting. 2!!! Even though everyone knows how heinous you are, one still sounds like an idiot when they say, "I cut myself shaving," in response to, "What happened to your ear?!?"

From now on, Shaving, we are like coworkers that don't like each other, but work on all of the same projects. Clearly we have to work together. People who see me from 100 feet know that we have a highly involved working relationship. For better or for worse, you are my work wife. I will be cordial to you. I will smile in the hallway. But we are not friends (that's why you got the business greeting in this letter)! We communicate when at all possible through email (no IM or calls! Do not even think of commenting on my Facebook page), and you do not get invited to the after work happy hour (I need that time to vent about you)! I just wanted you to know, so we can avoid situations that could get awkward for both of us and those around us.

Sincerely (because I am sincere and you get no "Best Regards"),
Jarett LaTour

Update: This post reminds me of a joke: "I cut my ear shaving my legs." :) Seriously though, I have to shave my whole head so it happens.